Getting over a past love

Hi Shayla,

I was wondering, after being in a long term relationship, I have tried to move on. Its been 2 years now, but I have not forgotten everything about my ex. Our memories still pop up everywhere I go.  I would think of him at night or when I hear a sad song. After our bad breakup, I have tried to move on and dated, but it did not help to forget.  I don't know what other ways to do to move on with my life.  Everyone say to forget and move on, but they do not understand how I feel.  It is hard for me to concentrate at work because at times my friends would remind me of him and everywhere I go memories would come back.  I was thinking of escaping, so I tried to go on vacations, but when I get home, it all comes back.  Do you think if I move to another state it would help me to forget things and start over? Our relationship is over and there is no more hope.  I just want to be happy again, but its been very hard.  Please advice. Thank you so much for your help.  I appreciate it very much

Dear Brokenhearted,

         They say that it takes half the time that you were together to fully get over someone. So depending on how long you were in the relationship divide that time in half. What you have to understand is that you are in mourning and it does take time. It's easy for everyone around to tell you to move on, but they are not the one experiencing the loss and pain. They also say time heals all wound, and this cliche is very true. The best thing to do is take one day at a time. Ask your friends to not mention his name, and if a song comes up that bring back memories, simply turn it off and direct your mind elsewhere. Keep busy and occupied by joining new hobbies and making new friends. You don't have to move to a different city, but if you have an opportunity to see the world and experience new things, I say do it. Most important is to do it for yourself and not to runaway from your past. Always tell yourself that you broke up for a reason and that he wasn't the right one for you. There are millions of people out there and trust me when I tell you that you will love again. Just take your time and don't jump into another relationship until you've are truly over him. Breakups are horrible when you are going through it, but one day you will look back and won't remember his name, face, or why you even loved him. Stay strong and make a conscious choice to be happy, because you deserve it.

Dear Chi Shayla,

I've been following your blog and you've been giving very good advices. This help me to understand more of the outside world as I'm getting old by the year. Lol
Anyways, I just got a question to ask cause my friend is confused. This is not my situation but my friend, I just wanted to help her out since I'm inexperience and you've got the knowledge. :)
She used to dated this guy, who is younger than her by two years. He prefers to hang out with friends and going to pubs and drinking. My friend didn't mind! Oh most of his friends are still single expect for him. Afterwards, they broke up! Reasons cause he's really immature and does all this immature stuff. My friend deleted him off from facebook and added him again because she was scared since he was in the depress mood! So she called up to check on him but his friend pick up and said he is drunk! Then she asked his friend to look after him. her ex continue to annoyed her by messaging her really late at night. She got fed up and met him up and being straight forward, without holding back of what's his doing. He thinks about it and agreed that my friend was right. However, he doesn't get the message that my friend doesn't want to be friends with him anymore, that's why she deleted him off from all the contacts. He's saying that she's everything and she's the only one that has been telling him the truth. Just recently, he asked her if she wants to hangout and catch up! My friend agreed to it. They met up, nothing really happened! But just last night he messaged her, wanted to come over her place to watch movies with her.
What does that mean? Does he wanted to be back with her or simple be friends with her? Sorry if this confuse you coz it definitely confuses me.That's all, hope I covered all the aspects! Thankyou chi, hope to hear from you soon


Dear Good Friend,

         It is great that you are trying to be there for your friend. The only advice I can give you is to tell your friend that if she wants to end the relationship, then end it. She deleted him, BUT added him again.
She calls him late at night to "check up on him". You said she deleted all contacts yet he is still able to call and invite her to lunch. Of course he doesn't get the message, it's because she's sending mixed messages. She saying one thing and doing another. I think she still cares for him deeply but doesn't want to be with him. So she's confused herself. That's why I stand by the belief that once you break up, then you have to cut out all contacts. It's hard to let go of someone that once has been so important in your life, but at the end of the day, for her to move on, that is what she needs to do. If he annoys her, then just ignore him and eventually he'll get the message and move on too. If she keeps responding to his text and agreeing to meet up, then she is the one to blame for adding fuel to the fire and adding drama to her life. Best of luck.

Befriending a Celebrity

Dear Shayla,
I'm a teenage girl who was born in America, for some reason I keep the vietnamese culture real well. I am able to speak, write, read, sing, and act in vietnamese. I seem to have an obsession with celebrities since acting and singing are both things I love to do, I know that partially, it may be because I want to be one of them, but on the other hand, I know I don't want to be a singer/actor... It's just not a dream I guess. A couple years ago, a dream came true for me. My favorite celebrity became my God mom. It just came, I couldn't and still cannot believe how lucky I am. Anyhow, she started a family as I was there with her, but it seems like her want to be a mom was what kept her with me in the first place, I was so happy we had a relationship that I thought it would always be like that. Well, it's all changed, we're still in contact at times, but rarely.
Now, a couple months ago, I found a new celebrity that I liked. From previous experience, I didn't want to get hurt, so I held myself back from thinking anything. I emailed her, and she replied to two of my emails. I really hope that we can at least be "email buddies," but I'm not sure if she just wanted to stop there..? I've checked her shows and she's going out of country at the end of the month but we're not there yet. It looks like she's not that busy at this time of the month but there's been no replies. Does she not want to be continue emailing back and forth do you think? Or is it the matter of time? Thanks Shayla!

Dear Number One Fan,


         First I want to say that I'm sorry that you got hurt by losing contact with the 1st celebrity. I know that you love her and wanted more from her, but the truth is, although she is your Godmother it is not her fault and responsibilty to make you happy.  She has a busy life with her career and own family and unable to give you the attention you wanted or expected. I know that she meant no harm to you and you should NOT take it so personally. I use to have phone calls, emails, and letters from fans wanting so much from me. It became overwhelming because the fact of the matter is although I truly appreciate the love and support, I am just one person and cannot give people the personal attention that they wanted. It's exhausting. It takes years to build a relationship with one person and its impossible to build a close relationship with thousands.
    What you have to understand is this is not about the Celebrity but about YOU! Because you have dreams of being a singer but think it is impossible for you to be one, than you are associating yourself with a celebrity to fill that empty void inside of you. Being close to famous people makes you feel special and wanted. When it's taken away you feel lost and abandon. That is the reason why you seeked out a new star to be close to.  


    The best thing to do is be aware of this situation and pattern. No celebrity or person will ever make you feel love and happy. Only YOU can do that for yourself.  Once you do that, you will realize that you really don't care if a celebrity is close to you or not. You appreciate them and their work, but also give them the space for them to live their life. Relationships  should come naturally and not be forced. If it works out and you become like blood, then Great, ...if you lose touch, ..then so be it. You move on. There will always be changes and people come in and out of your life all the time. It's nobody's fault. That's just life.  I wish you all the best.

Facebook Status

Dear Shayla,

I am bothered that my boyfriend does not post his facebook status on his page. Its been a long time now since we've been together but he still acts like he doesn't know it. I haven't done anything to him at all so what does this mean? Everbody posts in a relationship but us!


Dear In a Relationship,

          I've been told that Facebook have broken many marraiges and relationships. I believe this rumor to be true. All over a little section that tells the world your relationship status. If your boyfriend doesn't want to tell strangers he's with you, then that's his prerogative. He might be a private person that doesn't feel the need to tell the world . As long as he shows you and treats you right, then it doesn't matter what he post to  the online world. Now, if he acts like he doesn't know you in real life, then it wouldn't matter what he post on Facebook. He could put "in a relationship" with you but act like he's single in real life, then I'm sure you would be bothered too.
My point is, you want him to acknowledge that you are together. The thing is, it doesn't matter where or who he tells. It's how he shows it or what he does to determine if he is in fact your boyfriend or not. If you feel you are not being respected, then you need to address this issue with him.

Can we still be friends?

Dear Shayla

 After a pretty nasty break up with my boyfriend, we decided to talk. I want to stay together, but he wants to be just friends for right now. Is it possible to be just friends after a long term serious relationship? How do you just be friends? Im scared of us feeling too distant and finding interest in other people. What should I do to make sure we're still close, and rebuilding our relationship without crossing the line with him?

  Dear Just Friends,


           I have to be honest with you. I am a firm believer that once you break up, it's best to cut all ties. The reason for that is so you can heal and move on with your life. If he is the one initiating the break up then it's best for you to stay out of the picture. I feel it's not possible to be friends because he's going to move on with his life. Do you really want to stick around and see him kissing his new girlfriend? Telling you stories about who he's dating? That's what "friends" do and it's not possible for you to be that person for him right now. 
The reality is your relationship with him as a girlfriend is over. It's not what you wanted but it's something you have to accept. There will be distance and he'll will find interest in other people. That's life. 
Break ups are hard, but the hardest thing to do is to let go. It will take time, but being around in his life will only make the break up process longer and more painful and difficult. 
Take this time to reconnect with old friends and rediscover yourself. We all get scared to move on without our significant other. It's important to realize that you were fine before he came into your life, and you will be fine when he's out.